WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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