she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
