i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
