TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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