I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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