he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
