im drinking this country out of the recession.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
