One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
