Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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