i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I didn't notice because vodka
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
