when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
