burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
