someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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