Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
