Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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