Your face is a jimmy john
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
