Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
