Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
