when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
