My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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