I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
