Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
