I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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