No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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