mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the liver wants what the liver wants
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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