I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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