No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
