dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
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i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
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I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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