why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
