it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
