he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
