I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
