Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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