WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
