You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
