dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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