Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
