Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.