he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.