I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i now understand why vodka
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.