It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Is Oprah even human
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
