I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
