Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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