is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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