I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
