If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
