Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
