god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
