While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
