Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
