No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
