At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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