just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize