i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
