I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
