If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
