The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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