life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
