Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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